Ending the Experiment

Okay, it’s over.  I tried and I realized, writing is in my blood!!

I tried to not write anything for over a week now and, well, I am about to go crazy.  I have not written blogs, stories, poems, or even notes.  The only thing I did write were status updates on Facebook, which can some times be a short story.  I like to tell people things.

I have been down, angry, antsy, and everything else that happens to a junky when you take away their drugs.  Oh yeah, I’m saying it, writing is my drug. It’s the one thing that calms my stress and helps me find a happier me.  Well, that and reading.

I just wanted to see what would happen if I took all writing out of my life for a week.  I am always questioning if I am really a writer.  I wonder sometimes if I do it because I love it and need it, or if I just do it to make people think I am creative.  I now have my answer.  I love it and need it in my life.

Now, should I be an author?  That question still hangs in the balance of things.  If anything, I will at least tell my kids awesome bedtime stories one day. But I do want to be an author.  I want to share my crazy mind with the world.  I will make it one day, right along with my dream to open my own bakery.  I have a pretty awesome life ahead of me.

And now for a confession.  I didn’t give up all writing.  I evidently can’t give it up completely.  I wrote in my journal one night.  I was depressed and I needed that outlet, I had to write the things down that were stuck in my head.  I don’t always feel comfortable telling people about the things going on in my head.  I scare myself sometimes with the thoughts that cross my mind.

I also don’t like to tell people when I have fallen into that dark hole that makes me question my own life.  I don’t have suicidal thoughts anymore, but I do have moments where I want to give up and just hide under a rock, or I wonder what life would be like without me.  I always end up really upset for the people around me.  I am pretty awesome and their life would be boring without me.

I also wrote a short story with my mom and brother.  My brother drew a picture and I wrote the story.  My mom latter added to it.  It was down on the white board that we keep on the fridge.  Take a look.

Family Story

The character my brother drew didn’t have ears.  He went in after I wrote the story and added ears.  Then my mom went in about new technology.  I love it.  My family inspires me.

Also, Happy Halloween month!! I seriously love Halloween and I can’t wait to show you all the wonderful things I plan on doing.  Hopefully a new job is coming my way, a job with more money.  Meaning I can buy more stuff to make cakes.

Last year I was going to carve pumpkins but I never got around to it.  This year I am going to do that and hopefully try making pumpkin pie.  I have seen so many awesome cake stuff for Halloween.  I just love this time of year!!  I have already made one cake for Halloween.  I will share it with you sometime soon.

Tell the World I’m Coming Home

7 am this morning no one could sleep any longer. The bad thing about a hotel is having to check out so early. We had to be out by 10, but seeing as no one could sleep any longer it wasn’t much of a problem.

Yesterday, my brother and I played in the ocean. I was terrified at first, but after I let that first wave push me towards the shore I was hooked. I still worried about sharks in the water, but seen even that became a small fear. I was having a blast and it was probably the best workout any one can get. Fighting the waves to go in deeper and jumping up to ride the wave.

I will post more tomorrow. A little more put together, after I have gathered all my thoughts into something more presentable. Until then, enjoy this rainbow that I had the privilege of seeing yesterday as the sun started setting.

IMG_1948.JPG

Beach Life

IMG_1931-0.JPG

The beach is beautiful. Really, I love it! But sharing a hotel room with your family kind of sucks.

We have a kitchen in our hotel room, which kind of rocks. It’s tiny and adorable.

IMG_1932-0.JPG

And while it feels a little run down, the people are friendly. There are people living in this hotel and I can’t really blame them. It’s like 5 seconds from the beach.

Between the long ride, my dad’s snores, my moms coughs, and Pixels barking, I am wore out. Okay, not really. I’m loving the beach and I don’t want tomorrow to be the last day. Curse you responsible life.

And for one more picture. Pixel still isn’t sure how to take all of this.

IMG_1937-0.JPG

Headed to the Beach

I am finally getting a vacation.  This morning my family got up and we headed out the door (with puppy in tow) to make the three hour drive to the beach.  It has been over 10 years since I have been to the beach.

The funny thing is, as excited as I am, I hate the ocean.  I won’t get in the ocean.  But I am so excited to take a walk on the beach at night, watch the sun set and rise.  Feel the sand between my toes.  Build a crappy sand castle.  Watch my puppy try to figure out what in the world that big body of water is.

I can’t wait!  It will probably also come with some sun burn and a few hours out at the pool.

74e84e10e9f08e5fb0cb23f516ff3d5c

The sad thing about the trip is that we only have one full day at the beach, and that is Saturday.  We leave home early tomorrow and leave the hotel even earlier on Sunday.  We can’t afford much more than that.

Another good thing that is in the works is that I have a chance to go back to my old job as assistant manager at a place I worked at when I first finished high school.  It should be fun really. I am excited to go back and I have my fingers crossed that I can actually get there.

What I learned yesterday is that it never hurts to ask.  Really!  There were no signs about a job opening, but once I asked my friend if they were hiring I found out there were two positions open! One will allow me to leave my current job (please, please, please.) and the other would allow me to work my current job and the new job.  We will see what happens.

I just have to leave it all up to the good man upstairs and hope that He isn’t too mad at me for being a little mad at Him.

I am sure I will have pictures to share at some point.  If not…well, it’s because I decided to live my life on the other side of the camera, instead of trying to live through a lens.

I Don’t Want to Grow Up

70a4276f9a3ac921c2c4b551de5702f9

One thing is clear in my everyday life.  Being an adult sucks some major monkey balls.  Big harry monkey balls.  You have so much to worry about and I haven’t even made it to the full on adult experience.

I still live with my parents.  I have no kids.  I am not married.  Yet, I still have a world of worry sitting at my doorstep when I wake up in the morning.

Let’s make a list of things that suck about being an adult.

  1. Bills!  Ugh bills.  You can’t avoid them really.  I have credit card bills because I was stupid when I was young.  I got credit cards because I convinced myself it would help raise my credit…which it did.  I actually do have a pretty okay credit score.  Then there is the phone bill.  Of course I could cut down on that cost by not having an iPhone…but then I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the world.
  2. Student loans.  I didn’t lump this into the bill field because it’s a whole other story.  See, I went to college thinking that I would get ahead in life with a college degree.  Little did I know that I would leave college with a 60 thousand dollar loan and no job prospects.  Yeah, I had a good job, but I was let go.  Even experience on the job didn’t help in finding a new job.  Student loans are a whore on a corner who ends up being a cop.  She is dressed all fancy and clean…a clean whore. You pull over to ask her something, she yanks you out of the car, reads you your rights, handcuffs you, and throws you in the back of the car.  No warning.  It doesn’t matter that you were just going to ask for directions.  You are now screwed for life.  Thank you student loans.
  3. Time doesn’t actually matters.  As a kid, time doesn’t really matter too much.  You have to be at school at a certain time, but your parents make sure you are up and out the door on time.  They tell you when to go to bed and you do it.  It doesn’t matter what time it is.  At least, it doesn’t matter to you.  You just go about your business until some adult tells you what you have to do next.
  4. Driving.  I admit, I love driving.  But then you have to make car payments (another bill!!) and pay for gas.  Let’s not forget the yearly check ups you have to get so your car doesn’t leave you stranded on the side of the road.  And add on to the fact that you probably can’t afford a really nice new car, so even if you do get your car checked on a regular, it may decide to leave you stranded on the side of the road anyways.  Thank the good man upstairs that my car is actually a pretty good car.
  5. Calling people about payments you can’t afford.  This is what actually sparked my initial rage for today’s post.  My student loan was deferred for a few months after I lost my job.  Before, the payments were just under 300 a month.  After the deferment ended the bill shot up to just over 600 a month.  Add to the fact that with  my new job I couldn’t even afford the 300 and you have yourself a big mess.  What are my choices?  Call them and talk to them, or ignore it until it ruins my credit.  So of course I did the grown up thing and called them.  Who actually calls people anymore?
  6. Ignoring things does not make it go away.  Do you remember when you were younger and you would just ignore a problem and it would go away?  Maybe your parents took care of it or the assignment was no longer due (and you proudly took the zero grade for it).  Now, the longer you ignore something the more it messes up your life.  Like…my car has this weird thing going on.  It jerks like something is slipping in my motor.  I try to ignore it, but I ignored it in my last car and that car is now in a junk yard somewhere.  If I ignore my student loan my credit is shot and I can never buy a home…not that I could afford a home while paying for these student loans anyways.

When I was a kid I remember dreaming about being an adult.  Driving where I wanted, living in my own place (I always wanted to live in an apartment), going out with friends and staying out as late as I wanted, having a really great job, meeting my prince charming.  So many things I thought would be easy.  I thought it just came with growing up. I learned soon enough that growing up meant fighting for all the things I wanted.  And even with all the fighting I wasn’t guaranteed all the things I wanted.

I think I need to go work some of this steam off in the gym.  Cause that is another thing we worry about as adults.  Our health.

Sleeping Beauty

I have noticed something in myself the past few days.  I have been off work, just chilling in my bed until it’s time to go back to bed.  I have been lazy and not a thing has been done.  I now realize that this is a habit that I need to stop right now.  It’s not good for my health.

I made the decision yesterday to leave my church.  At the moment it’s just for a little bit while I gather my own thoughts and decide what I am going to do.  I don’t know if I will go back or when I will go back. I want to go back, I don’t feel like that part of my life is over yet, but then again what do I know?

I keep making these post about how I am going to do this and do that.  Then away from the computer I do nothing.  I just sit in my bed and watch the day go by.  I don’t move. I don’t want to move.  I don’t even want to get on my computer and play games.  I just…sit…and flip through channels on TV until I fall back asleep.

My poor puppy probably thinks I am the worst pet owner ever.  All I do is pet her and have her lay beside me while I fade in and out. I wonder constantly what is the meaning of life.  Why am I here and what am I supposed to do?  It all seems so pointless some days.  Wake up, go to work, pay all my money to bills, and then do it all over again.

Depressing Quotes (Quotes About Depression) 0076-0078 (11)

I do little things that make me happy.  I bake and write. And I don’t even write that much. I read, but I have slowed down on my reading.  I feel like everything in life just slips through my fingers and there is nothing I can do to catch it.

I sit here, waiting for my life to begin.  What does that even mean?  Waiting for life to begin?  Is there something major and amazing that is supposed to happen before I can be happy?  I read too much to be happy with an every day life.  I need a life full of excitement and adventure.  But to do that I need money, or at least not be so far in debt I can’t breathe.

I am too old to have moments like this.  I should have things figured out.  I should be up early every day ready to take on the world.  I should be writing and baking every day.  I should be smiling and laughing and having a grand time. But when I jump up to take on the world I have a split second where I wonder what is it all for.  And I lose that little spark that I had.

Since I can’t find purpose or motivation, I just lay back down and go back to sleep.  Yeah, I go to the gym and I am losing weight.  But that never goes as quickly as I would like.

I’m just in a moment.  Sleeping until Prince Charming comes to wake me from this darkness.

Movie Review: The Maze Runner

4dea0d690917be07f358c3824a179a6b

I had the great and awesome privilege of getting a free ticket to a pre-screening of The Maze Runner last Monday. Of course I planned my entire day around it and was two hours early to the showing. I was too excited. I read the book and I couldn’t wait to see how the movie held up to the book.

I have often been disappointed in movie based on a book.  I am a huge book nerd and I pick apart every movie compared to the book.  I can’t help it, it’s just the way I am programmed.

Synopsis:

A boy wakes up in a cage and is suddenly thrown into a place surrounded by large walls and inhabited by a group of boys.  Doors open during the day that lead into a maze, but no one is allowed there.  No one remembers who or where they were, all that is left of their memory is their name. Once Thomas comes to the Glade, things start to change and some of the boys blame Thomas.  All Thomas wants is to find the way out.

Personal Opinion:

Even knowing what was going to happen, I was on the edge of my seat at times.  I squealed when it looked like something bad was going to happen and I sighed in relief when things were…okay. There were moments I even forgot to breathe!

I thought the movie was well worth my 2 hour wait.  As far has how it stood up to the book, it stayed pretty close.  There were a few things that were changed around, but considering the parts it was kind of necessary.

Over all I loved the movie.  I would pay to go see it when it comes out Friday.  Even if you haven’t read the book it’s a great movie to see. Not to mention the adorable Dylan O’Brien is in it!  He is just as adorable in this movie as he is in Teen Wolf.

So, go see the movie Friday! You won’t regret it!