What’s Up?

Happy New Year Friends…even if it’s been almost a week.

I don’t know if anyone still cares that I am here. It’s been a rough 2 years. It started with getting a new home and not having internet for a few weeks. Then my dad passed away and I went into a spiral of crazy. This spiral of crazy turned into me stepping into my very first relationship. It was bad timing for a relationship. I wasn’t mentally stable enough for it and things just got worse.

I won’t go into detail about everything that happened. Just some stuff and me ending the relationship and having to find me again.

So here I am, trying to get back to the life I want, which completely involves this blog and this community. I want to pick up where things were going the best. I want to get back to writing reviews of…just about everything. Books, movies, T.V. shows, anime! Everything!

On top of all of this, I have had a few different jobs over the past year. I started off at Dollar Tree. Worked at a tanning salon. Went to Target. And now I work at a factory where my hours are set, always the same, Monday through Friday, and it’s fantastic. Or at least I think it is. I have only worked 3 days so far.

My goals for my blog is to get things back on track and running smoothly by February. Just stick with me until I can get where I need to be again. I have a lot going on. Between writing, reading, making crafts, working on my first cosplay outfit, trying to reconnect with friends, do a little traveling. LOL 2019 is going to be so full of stuff and I want to take you all with me!

I will try to get some kind of schedule going again. But for now, how did your 2019 start? Is it going to be a great year for you too??

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A little Challenge

 

Hey Friends,

Bet you thought I would be gone for another month or longer. Surprise! I’m here. I have been doing all kinds of crazy stuff so far this month. I haven’t been writing like I wanted to. I have been trying to learn calligraphy, but I am behind on the lessons…oops. But I have been watching a ton of horror movies!

But that is not what this is about today. Today I bring to you a new challenge I have given myself. You see, there is this thing called inktober. Artist use it to draw something everyday and they have prompts to do this as well.

Borrowed image from this site where the rules are! https://inktober.com/rules/

I got to thinking, you know if I put my pen to paper and make a picture out of words…can’t that apply to inktober too? So I decided to write a poem every day using the inktober prompts! I won’t bore you with posting these every day here. I thought maybe I would share once a week. I also got a bit of a late start, so I only have 4 ready at the moment.

Should you wish to get a sneak peak at the poetry I am writing for this you can check it out on my DeviantArt Page HERE. But here are the first 4 I have so far.

1. Poisonous:

   Your lips are pretty
   And so are your words
   No one noticed
   How toxic you were
   Your words are lies
   Wrapped in shiny paper
   And giant beautiful bows
   Poetic to the surface
   While damaging the soul
   And this is where I am
   Lost in pretty thoughts
   Traveling the labyrinth
   Of all your handsome tales
   The poison is deep in my bones
   Tearing apart who I once was
   Making me your idea of perfect
   It was the first hello
   That was poisonous
   I had a feeling
   But I ignored it

2. Tranquil:

   They sleep when the world is quiet
   It’s the best time to befriend the stars
   Watch them glitter in the distance
   Listen to the earth speak
   At night is the only time

   They say it’s peaceful at night
   It’s the best time to reflect
   But if you listen closely you hear
   The earth is not talking
   It’s screaming

   They sleep when the world is quiet
   It’s the best time to befriend the stars
   Watch them burn in anger
   Listen to the screaming earth
   At night earth and the stars plot their revenge

3. Roasted:

   Round and round it goes
   Fire licking the flesh
   Popping of flames fill the silence
   The heat spreads its arms

   Some stand warm in the arms
   Others stand back in the cold
   Watching in frozen horror
   As the girl is roasted for her sins

4. Spell:

   Bubble bubble toil and trouble
   Now I think I’m seeing double
   Was that wine or was it more
   I can’t seem to touch the floor

   I’m floating away above the mist
   The string is tight around my wrist
   Clouds are laughing but it’s not amusing
   My head is spinning it’s all confusing

   Finding it difficult to open my eyes
   Maybe alone at a party wasn’t wise
   It was fun for a second I must say
   But they knew I could never stay

   They gave me jokes and funny lines
   We talked about our favorite wines
   I tried the one that was blood red
   Thick and warm and full of dread

   It coated my throat like sweet honey
   But the flavor wasn’t worth the money
   I should have known from the smell alone
   My cover would soon be blown

   Now my dress is torn and tattered
   I’m sure my wrist bone shattered
   I had to make them pay and suffer
   They may be vampires, a witch is tougher

Let me know what you think. Do you have a favorite? Would you join me in this fun little challenge? You can catch up!

Until next time!

 

Well…Hello

Hello Friends,

It has been a long time since I have been here. I will open WordPress and start to type something and then decided that I just wasn’t ready to come back. I tried to come back a few times and I wasn’t healed enough. It has now been a year and a month since my dad passed away. Things are getting back to normal for real this time. I am working a new job. We have caught up on our bills and we won’t lose the house. My dad is still a big hole missing in my life, but I am getting better. I am living again.

I got up one morning and I realized that I needed to get back to my life. I needed to get back to the dreams I once had and the things I used to do. It was time to get back to reading and writing. I haven’t completely stopped doing all the things, but I slowed down to the point where I would have been better to just not do the things. But I want to get back to it.

I thought there was no better time to come back then my favorite month of the year. Spooky month! I seriously enjoy the month of October. All my favorite things are around and it makes me happy. So, I start back my blogging journey this month!

Here are some things I have planned.

1. Watch at least 1 horror movie a day.
2. Read all the Goosebumps and fear street books I have. I have 16 of them.
3. Write 1 spooky short story a week.
4. Write everyday!

I am going to get back on this road, this journey to being something more than just a girl who lives in the south and works in retail. My ultimate goal in life is to make my way to book con. Become a published author. And inspire others to follow their own dreams. I have had enough time to sit in the dark and feel sorry for me. My dad wouldn’t be happy with me if I didn’t keep going after my dreams.

What are your plans for this month??

What Are You Reading?

 

Hello Friends! I realize it has been a really long time since I have been around. But…hopefully I am back. I got plans! So, I thought the best way to get back into the swing of things is to just jump in and get back to the same old routine. Starting with our Monday, what are you reading?!

Now, I have to be honest. I have not finished reading a book since September of 2017. My dad passed away at the start of September and I just have not been able to get my heart back in the game. I have listened to a few audio books, but that is it. So…I am trying to get back into reading. It’s still a little hard because I can’t seem to focus on what I am reading and my mind likes to wander more now while I am reading. It’s strange. It’s difficult too.

But let’s get to it. I am reading a few books at the moment!

The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan. This is the first book in the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series.

The Gender Game by Bella Forrest.

All Rights Reserved by Gregory Scott Katsoulis. This book is so odd and amazing. I am actually slightly in love with it.

White Trash Zombie Apocalypse by Diana Rowland. This is the third book in the White Trash Zombie series. I am listening to this on audible and the story is rather interesting. It reminds me of iZombie.

That is all for now. My hopes are to get a few of these finished this week. At least one anyways, in time for a book review for this week.

Your turn, What are you reading?

Happy New Year!

Hello Friends!

It has been a long time, hasn’t it? Things have been a little crazy for me. As most of you know, my dad passed away in September of 2017 and life has just not been the same. Some days I felt like it was getting worse. Some days I wanted to run away to a place where no one knew me and start life all over again. But here I am. I am okay…for the most part. I made it through Christmas fairly well, but the new year was harder to get through. I guess it’s because I have entered the new year with one vital person missing.

It has been hard, as anyone that has lost a parent would know. I have had friends help me through.

But that brings me here today. To tell you all HAPPY NEW YEAR. And to promise that I am working on getting my blog back up and running. What am I going to do with this blog? I am still not sure. Hopefully there will be a name change in the future, going back to Awkward Heather instead of readerwriteredreamer. I want a shorter web address. I do hope that something great comes of this. Maybe I can go back to what it was before. Book reviews, movie reviews, Anime, and some writing thrown in there. It’s all the things I love in one place. Who said a blog has to follow one set format? And I plan on seeing more movies this year!

I actually have a few plans for this year that are going to be fantastic. I am even planning a trip to California at some point this year, and that is something I am super excited about. I haven’t sat down and written out my 2018 goals yet, but I will be doing that today. I am just trying to get my mind focused again. I worked two jobs for a few weeks. I haven’t been reading. I have not finished a book since September. Which makes me sad since I was ahead of the game for a little bit on my reading goal. But when things change in life…major changes…it’s hard to keep on track.

I will update you all on my goals for 2018 as soon as I know what they are. As of right now, the biggest goal is to get back to something normal, like it was before my dad passed away.

Tell me, What are your 2018 goals?

Damsel In Distress

Hello Friends,

I realize that it has been a while. Things have been tough. I thought I had a handle on things, and I thought I was going to be okay, but I wasn’t and I’m not. I am not okay.

My dad has been gone 6 weeks now. It still hurts and I still can’t believe it happened. I lost my love for writing and reading. I lost my love for TV. The only thing I kept was my love for music, but even that caused problems. I had to listen to things that didn’t remind me of my dad…which was kind of hard because my dad loved music to.

This past week I finally admitted to myself that I wasn’t okay. I admitted that I may actually need therapy, to talk to a professional. I admitted it to my mom and my brother. And now I admit it to you and the rest of the world. I need help. And it’s okay that I need help. It’s not okay to continue trying to take care of things myself. Somethings you just need a little help getting through. Especially something this hard.

Today, I wrote a poem and actually finished it. It’s something I haven’t done in a very long time. I usually write poetry in my very dark moments. And this is probably the darkest moment of my life. So, for those of you still around waiting to hear from the lost and broken Heather…here is a little poem I have written.

Damsel In Distress:
There is no prince charming
There is no white horse
There is only a damsel
And she is in distress

There is no secret family
There is no secret fund
There is only a damsel
And she is in distress

There is no mother ship
There is no alien planet
There is only a damsel
And she is in distress

This isn’t a fairy tale
Life can be a villain
And here we have a damsel
And she is in distress

She has no kiss to awaken her
She has never lost a shoe
She is just a simple damsel
And she is in distress

Living in reality
Lost in fantasy
She is a damsel
And she is in distress

I know I can’t keep waiting
I have to save myself
I am a damsel
And I am in distress

Just a Ghost

The more days pass, the easier it becomes. Some times it doesn’t hurt as much when I think about my dad. Some days I can think about him and smile about all the wonderful things that made up my dad. Today was not one of those days.

Today I thought about my dad laying in the hospital bed. I thought about how I held his hand so tight for the last few hours of his life. I remember the little drop of blood that had escaped the band aid on his arm. I thought about how the doctor decided not to put a new heart monitor in because it would be pretty much a waste and it would only cause more distress to the man dying in the hospital bed.

I thought about my dads strong and calloused hands. I thought about his love for cutting grass and working in the yard. I thought about how he loved those stupid fidget spinners and crunch bars. I thought about how empty the house is without him.

The world refuses to stop while figure everything out. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that my dad will never walk into my room again and ask me what something is. He will never ask me how to get to a website or how to change his ring tone. I will never argue with him about something that may or may not have happened in a movie.

There are so many things that remind me of my dad.

I finally started writing the story he gave me. I got to over a thousand words in less than an hour and I cried through the whole thing. The story I am writing starts with my dad passing away in the hospital. I relived the last few hours my dad was alive, but I was able to write it. I will probably cry every time I read it and I hope that once it is published, it will make others feel my pain and cry with me.

Obsession

Things have been a little dark around this blog lately. In more ways than one. First, I was gone for a little while and didn’t blog at all. Now, it’s been all about my dad’s passing. Trust me, blogging about it has helped me a ton! But I want to move on to something a little more…different.

Last night American Horror Story was on. I love this show even if I end up hating the season. Really, the best season was the first and not much has been able to stand up to it. This season seems a little promising, but let’s give it a few more episodes.

But the show is not what I am obsessed with. Oh no. There is one thing that every season has had that brings me back to the show more than the show itself. Or rather one person…

I am obsessed with Evan Peters! Maybe it’s because he is the ultimate bad boy…with the whole teddy bear insides. At least that is how I see him. I have loved every character he has played in American Horror Story. I loved him in X-Men and I could spend hours watching him on YouTube doing interviews.

No lie, I want to meet this guy so bad! You know…meet him. Have him fall in love with me. Marry him and have his babies. HA!

But seriously, I want to meet him and see if he is as amazing in person…

Yeah…call me the crazy fangirl, but if any of you knows Evan Peters…let him know I really need some cheering up and he is just what I need. LOL!

Looking In

The night that my mom took my dad to the hospital replays in my head all the time. You see, that night I sat at the table with my mom, my dad was on the porch smoking. I remember playing with his knife and I pointed at him with the tip of the knife. I was teasing him. He waved at me and I laughed telling my mom that my dad needed more attention then a pregnant woman.

Now looking back at that, I wonder if my dad was waving bye to me. I wonder if he knew at that moment that our lives were about to be destroyed.

I also wonder if my dad is still on the outside looking in. I wonder if my dad is watching his family while we go through this. I wonder if he is hurting for us. I know he wouldn’t have left us if he didn’t have to, if he didn’t have something much more important to do. But I wonder if he is looking in or down at us, watching as we work through our suffering.

The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe I am the one on the outside looking in. Maybe I am peeking through a window at a world that no longer makes sense. I was window shopping for a new life and I was conned into picking a life that wasn’t as advertised.

There are other things about my dads last week with us. Things that happened that make me wonder if maybe…just maybe, if I had a time machine I could go back and save him and save my family the heartache we are going through right now.

The day before my dad went to the hospital his truck died. My mom text me saying “Your daddy’s truck died.” His truck is still sitting in the yard, broken down, needing a new water pump (or so my dad thought.) My parents were supposed to go the next day (the day after he went to the hospital) to get the new part so he could fix his truck.

Maybe a few days before, I posted on Facebook that now that we had a nice new home I thought maybe I needed a new life to go along with it. It was my way of saying I was looking for a new job…but I got a new life alright. A new life that I didn’t expect.

He worked so hard to get us into the home we are in. He was also super quick to get things into the house, things he knew we needed. It was like he was trying to rush us to get everything in and unpacked.

My dad also had more back pain the last week. He has been living with pain for something close to 20 years because he got hurt at work and was disabled. So no one thought it was weird, just that he had been working himself too hard. I wish we would have stopped and thought about it. He died of pancreatitis. Symptoms of that is back pain…back pain. Something my dad had lived with for a very long time. Something that didn’t strike any of us as odd when it got worse because it was normal.

See, this isn’t the first time that our norm has changed. Before my dad became disabled life was good. We had a home. My dad would get out in the yard and play with me and my brother. We lost part of my dad when he got hurt because he couldn’t do all that stuff anymore. Not like he used to. But we still loved my dad. We still loved him and stuck with him even when we were homeless.

It was good for me because where we had lived I had slipped into a really bad depression that was going downhill fast. So fast that I was thinking about killing myself. When my dad got hurt we had to move away and moving away took me away from the people that picked on me. Moving away took me away from all the dark things that made me want to hurt myself. I sometimes blamed myself for my dad getting hurt, because someone knew I needed to get away…and that was the way we had to go.

Life doesn’t make sense! It doesn’t make sense and it’s not fair. Why can’t it be fair? Why can’t the man upstairs let people live long and happy lives? So little would have to change for life to be fair. But I guess everyone has a different way of deciding what is fair.

Reality

Today marks 2 weeks since my dad passed. Sometimes I think the word “died” and it makes it that much worse, so I tell people my dad has passed. He has passed from this world to the next, to what ever we have to look forward too once our earthly bodies can no longer hold us down.

It was a hard day for me. A very hard day. I had to work open to close, around all these people that are going about their day and I am still shattered. I am a picture that has fallen off a while while the home owners are away on vacation, so there is no one to sweep up the pieces. I just lay on the floor broken into a million pieces.

I have thoughts that I shouldn’t have. Thoughts about not wanting to be here anymore. But I have so much to do now. My dad gave me a story to write and I have to write it. And it has given me more and more ideas to write. I am a writer and writers do best when they have pain to draw from.

I also fear something happening to my mom and my brother. Anytime I can not see them I fear something has happened. Is there a word for a fear of anyone leaving the house? Agoraphobia is the fear of going outside the house…I feel that developing a little too. But it’s more of a fear of anyone I love leaving my sights.

I looked it up, a fear of loved ones dying is called Thanatophobia. I guess there is a phobia for everything. Before my dad died I had a fear of something going wrong, like if I didn’t love my family enough one of them would be taken away. It’s almost like my heart knew it was about to get hit. Or maybe it’s just my anxiety. I may worry myself to death one day.

I keep thinking how eventually someone is going to die. Someone close to me. And then I think that maybe I don’t want to fall in love or have kids, because that is only more people to grow close to that could die. And maybe my whole life I have been protecting myself from all of this. Maybe that is why I didn’t have too many close friends and I didn’t get to close to a lot of family. Maybe this whole time I have just kept people at a distance so it wouldn’t hurt when someone died. I just thought I had more time with my immediate family. I thought I had more time with my dad.

Isn’t that the problem with everyone though? We all think we have more time, when in reality we are ticking time bombs, waiting to explode and destroy someone’s norm.

Does it make it better when you are close to more people? Does it help if you have more close friends to huddle around you when you lose something so precious? Maybe I only made it worse on myself by not being closer to people. Maybe the more pieces of your heart you give away, the less it hurts when someone dies and takes that piece with them. OR maybe not matter what you do, when a parent dies it just hurts more than anything you have ever experienced in your life.

I wonder sometimes if this all happened for some greater being to show me how minuscule my other problems were, how lame my anxiety issues were. Because it all just seems so stupid now.

We are all ticking time bombs, waiting to explode and destroy someone’s norm.